Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'

I step out of the front door

Into the open concrete-and-tarmac-and-wire of St John閳ユ獨 street

When overhead the sagging bruise-streaked sky suddenly rips apart and

Torrents of grey rain

Are unleashed around me, slashing and shredding

Mindlessly at the atmosphere

My delighted laughter is smothered and wrenched

Downwards crashing alongside the shards of cheap crystal rain

To smash against the pavement, spilling over my bare feet

I twirl around

Careful not to lose my balance against the emerging cacophony

Of muted lines, emanating vibrations and eddying liquid metals

It is fun watching how the bland scenery

Of concrete blocks and buildings

Meshes of twisting wired fences, broken glass windows and garishly flashing traffic lights are distorting and fading around me

Are slowly disintegrating against the 9/8 cross rhythms,

Drowning under

Colourlessness

And then it's just me

Standing quietly in the silken hanging of mist

Cocooned in a perfume

And wringing out my hair

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

A wonderful poem of magnificent imagery. only thing -the vocab is a bit too much -unless you usually use words such as cacophony, eddying, and wrenched in your everyday vocab you may want to tone it down just a bit (no need to take all of them out but maybe one or two) cuase it sort of sounds like youre trying a tad bit too hard with the big vocab. otherwise im sure your friend will love it cuase it was written from the heart just for them.

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

WOW, I think that is good.

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

no offence mate but thats not really a birthday poem ,and did you eat a dictionary for brekkie .

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

Look, buy her Pablo Neruda love poems. You will never look back!!!!! If you want inspiration, look him up on poemhunter

http://www.poemhunter.com/pablo-neruda/

He is better than you, and why reinvent the wheel! Good luck

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

Your friend will love it. I'm glad you have a real friend who realizes material things are just dust waiting to happen. Words are forever and you do indeed have a wise friend.

She will love the poem as it seems to open your heart and let forth torrents of yourself onto the page. Excellent.

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

hope she likes her poetry wish i can write in that way

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

Hiya

I think this is a very good piece of work, bright, deeply thought out and interesting to read - you have a real talent.

I don' t think you should change it at all, as this is in itself your original 'work' and to change it would be to alter the context and depth of your thinking. One of the dangers of playing around with a picture (I paint with oils) is that it is so easy to embellish a piece of work to gain acceptance / admiration from others wheras the simplest and most effective are works that stand simply on their own, original concept intact.

That is what your poem says to me - Authentic and Original.

She will adore it.

Honest help with something i wrote for a friend - she asked for poetry for her birthday, and i'm nervous!?

I like this as a poem. It is a nice description and doesn't sound like every other descriptive poem, as some tend to do. This is written in style and has nice imagery, plus the moment at the end brings in some nice meanings one could get from the poem overall. If that makes any sense. However, I think the most entitled to help you would be someone who knows your friend and her tastes. Poetry is very subjective. One thing I could tell you from my own experience in writing for others, though, is that it generally might be preferable to write something more dedication-like as a gift. By that I don't mean the usual, infantile "oh-you're-a-wqnderful-friend" kind of thing, but something nice to her, about her, or just something that has a special meaning to you too, like say, recollecting a beautiful moment spent together in a poem. It's just my opinion and I don't know if it fits what you want, but many people would be more pleased with such a dedication, as it means even more than a poem written for their sake. Otherwise, this is good.